Guest commentary: How to make the season work for you and avoid holiday stress
By Faith Freed
It’s that time of year again. Just when you’ve done your best to meet expectations on Thanksgiving, here come Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s. The rush of festivities, shopping, and social obligations can feel more like an endurance test than a celebration. The question is how to shift from resisting the onslaught to welcoming a season meant for joy.
As a psychotherapist, I often see clients grow anxious about family gatherings and required together time. There are good reasons for this, and the most helpful approach varies from person to person.
Still, one principle holds: identify your feelings, allow them, and create a plan that makes the holidays workable. Don’t torture yourself trying to meet an ideal; tune into what you need. Ready to approach the holidays in a way that feels good — not draining?
Over the years, I’ve watched my own family find better balance. My Aunt “Jane,” for example, used to host a Thanksgiving that could rival Martha Stewart’s. Lacy linens, homemade dishes, antique silver, the best China — it must have taken weeks of preparation.
Then one year, she surprised us all by pivoting to take-out from Whole Foods. She had finally grown out of being a self-sacrificing pleaser, showing us all that we’re allowed to make things easier on ourselves.
Whatever you do during the holidays, take a moment to notice how it makes you feel.
There’s a difference between giving and over-giving and going along and gritting your teeth. Getting clear about that difference allows you to adjust your boundaries accordingly.
Here are some practical, mindset-shifting strategies to help you embrace the holidays with more excitement and less anxiety:
TAKE 10 MINUTES TO SIT WITH YOUR FEELINGS
Before setting plans, get curious about your emotional landscape. What aspects of the season lift you up? Which ones deplete you? Picture the atmosphere, the people, and the occasions. If it helps, make a list—the good, the bad, and the stressful.
Gift giving is a great example. Maybe it’s not the gifts themselves that overwhelm you, but the shopping, wrapping and shipping.
If standing in line at the Post Office fills you with dread while surprising people brings you joy, you’ve gained useful insight. The goal is not to eliminate the holiday, but to keep the pleasure and minimize the pain.
UPDATE OLD TRADITIONS
Traditions can be meaningful, but they can also become rigid over time. Dust them off and ask how they’re working for everyone now. The person who always brings the pie may secretly be over it. The host who coordinates logistics may be exhausted by their role.
When you’re willing to share preferences or break an outdated pattern, you permit others to do the same. Don’t assume something is expected simply because it has always been done that way. Ask questions. Make thoughtful modifications. Flexibility creates breathing room for everyone.
IF YOU TAKE TIME OFF WORK, TRULY TAKE IT
Many professionals take vacation days only to spend them answering emails from the hallway or handling quick tasks between family activities. But when you’re sneaking off to “just do one thing,” your mind is neither in work mode nor holiday mode.
Give yourself sacred, work-free hours so you can genuinely reset. Returning to the office refreshed can bring a new perspective — and often better problem-solving — than grinding through the season on autopilot.
PERMIT YOURSELF TO SAY NO
You don’t have to show up everywhere. You don’t have to tolerate dynamics that drain you. Listening to your intuition, even when it disappoints someone, is part of maintaining emotional health. Clear, confident “no’s” make your “yes” far more meaningful. Discernment prevents burnout and frees you to participate more fully in the moments that truly matter.
CARVE OUT SOLO TIME
It may feel indulgent to seek solitude during the most social stretch of the year, but balance is essential. Being “on” requires energy, and even a short walk can reset your patience and restore perspective. If you find yourself irritable or overwhelmed, a brief retreat can make the difference between enduring the holidays and enjoying them. When you model this kind of self-care, you show others that they’re free to do the same.
The holidays don’t have to be a marathon of stress. With a little reflection, a few adjustments, and a willingness to recalibrate old habits, the season can become what it’s meant to be: a time of connection, meaning, and joy. You’re allowed to shape it into something that works for you—so reclaim the season and enjoy it on your own terms.
Faith Freed is a licensed psychotherapist in Santa Barbara.
